No Such Thing as Freedom in Puerto Rico When a Crazy Dude Knows Where You're Sleeping

That reminds me of the time in Puerto Rico that we were staying at this hostel and this crazy dude named Cody was there and he was freakin' everyone out with sayin' all this stuff and the fire of Dick Cheney in his eyes and when no one was supposedly lookin' (although I was lookin') he was raising his arms to the sky and jabbering completely unintelligible jibberish. Then Phil invited him to tag along with us for the rest of the week for some reason and Matt and I were like NOOOO!!! and so the next morning Matt saw him and he asked Matt what time we were all leaving and Matt said I don't know. Then when the dude was in his room on the second floor we took our shoes off and snuck down the stairs from our third floor room, walked right past his room, down the stairs more until we were at the front door. Oh no, we forgot the key to get out, so I had to sneak back up for the key then back down. We hid around the corner as we waited for the rental car dude to show up and whisk us away to freedom, man that half hour was one of the most stressful of my life because this guy was seriously whacked out on something and seemed like he had it in him to flip out and kill us if we screwed him over which is exactly what we were doing but then the rental car dude showed up and we told him to step on it. For a while we thought we were free but then we realized we had told the crazy dude exactly where we'd be camping for the next few days so he could come find us and mangle us in our sleep man we were freaked out and it just goes to show there's no such thing as real freedom.

Fish in the Pants

So there we were, surfing the Puerto Rican Pipeline, rocking as we rolled and vice versa. The waves had to be double overhead and faster than a Utahn at a KFC 2-for-1 coupon give away. We rode, we got pummeled, we paddled, we swam. The sun bronzed our perfect bodies, bleached our Aryan hair, and freckled our Irish faces.

When we got back to the guest house we were staying at, Phil went into the hallway shower and I hopped in the shower that was in our room. As Phil took off his shorts (don’t worry, it doesn’t turn dirty at this point…if you want dirty, try this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vpdBMRlf2gI), two little fish fell out onto the floor. The fish were in his shorts, repeat, the fish were in his shorts. He says he felt a school of fish run into his legs as he was out in the water, but was unaware that they had set up shop in his trunks.

The Rich Port, or The Misadventures of Hasenphil Cline

In Puerto Rico I saw a real-life submarine.