No Such Thing as Freedom in Puerto Rico When a Crazy Dude Knows Where You're Sleeping

That reminds me of the time in Puerto Rico that we were staying at this hostel and this crazy dude named Cody was there and he was freakin' everyone out with sayin' all this stuff and the fire of Dick Cheney in his eyes and when no one was supposedly lookin' (although I was lookin') he was raising his arms to the sky and jabbering completely unintelligible jibberish. Then Phil invited him to tag along with us for the rest of the week for some reason and Matt and I were like NOOOO!!! and so the next morning Matt saw him and he asked Matt what time we were all leaving and Matt said I don't know. Then when the dude was in his room on the second floor we took our shoes off and snuck down the stairs from our third floor room, walked right past his room, down the stairs more until we were at the front door. Oh no, we forgot the key to get out, so I had to sneak back up for the key then back down. We hid around the corner as we waited for the rental car dude to show up and whisk us away to freedom, man that half hour was one of the most stressful of my life because this guy was seriously whacked out on something and seemed like he had it in him to flip out and kill us if we screwed him over which is exactly what we were doing but then the rental car dude showed up and we told him to step on it. For a while we thought we were free but then we realized we had told the crazy dude exactly where we'd be camping for the next few days so he could come find us and mangle us in our sleep man we were freaked out and it just goes to show there's no such thing as real freedom.

Antelope Island

... a quick jaunt over a short causeway and pretty soon we are at the ocean where the buffalo roam and the shoreline climbs three rungs until it finally reaches the mainland.

Sensitive Ned and the Bathing Bandita

Another edition of my advice column for your entertainment:

Dear Sensitive Ned,

My home features a lovely in-ground swimming pool. My husband has issued an open invitation to just about everyone to use the pool anytime. While most people have enough couth to not actually take him up on his offer, one of his cousins is taking full advantage. She uses our pool at least once a week, never calling ahead to see if it's ok. I am tired of seeing her car in my driveway on evenings when I come home from work and hearing her children frolicking in my yard. I can't even use my own pool in peace.My husband does not want me to say anything because he is afraid that it will hurt his aunt and uncle and damage his relationship with them. His family has a history of holding grudges over perceived slights for years at a time. Thoughts?

Pool Owner

Dear Pool Owner,

You bet I have some thoughts. Oh ya, I’ve got some major thoughts. Here they are:

1) They say that nothing can tear a family apart faster than a pack of wild dogs. Imagine what a few wild dogs could do to just one person! Get yourself some wild dogs, lock them up in a cage in the backyard and only feed them enough to keep them alive, but damn hungry. Next time your husband’s cousin comes over, wait until she’s in the water then lock the gate to your backyard (and seal off any other possible exits, as well). Release the dogs. They’ll jump in the pool and swim straight at her like Mick Jagger’s sperm swimming towards a groupie’s uterus. If she was out of the water, she might have a chance—maybe she could get to the fence and hop it before the starving beasts reached her. But she is in the water and the dogs will most likely come at her from all sides. The only thing you’ll need to worry about is emptying the bloody pool water and refilling it with clean water. That’s a lot of water and it will cost you a little bit of dough, especially with the perma-drought we seem to be in, but that’s what you get for building a swimming pool in the desert.

Or…

2) Invite her over for a night swim. Before she gets there, drain the pool and cover the pool’s floor with Saran Wrap. The shimmer will give it the appearance of being full of water. Tell your husband’s intrusive cousin that you challenge her to a dive contest and that the winner gets the pool for keeps and that she can go first. The only rule is she has to jump head first (no cannonballs, screwdrivers, or karate kicks). If she’s about to jump, but then asks “Hey, are you sure there’s water in the pool?” then you can just respond, “Oh ya, it looks like that because of the night time, plus have you jumped yet? HURRY!” The added social pressure will force her to jump even if she’s not sure about the water. That’s been proven through countless sociological studies. How do you think I got my editor to punch that kid in the wheelchair? People just want to please people. It’s in our jeans.

If either of these ideas get you in trouble with the law, please don’t try to contact me. In fact, I’m just a figment of your imagination, your evil alter ego—like that Fight Club movie. You came up with these sick ideas all by your sick self.

Your inner-self,
Sensitive Ned

* If you are starving for advice, attention, food and water, or underage you-know-what, feel free to write to Sensitive Ned at SensitveNed@RegalSeagull.com. He reads everything anyone sends him, even stuff in other languages (he’s VERY smart). If he deems your question worthy of an answer, he’ll reply with wisdom and knowledge beyond his years (he’s 12). If not, it was probably a very stupid question.

Caribbean Communism and Cuban Jazz

Cubans are getting double-whammied. The US government blockades Cuba with the embargo and by punishing other countries that trade with Cuba, then the Cuban government blockades its own people with loads of red-tape bureaucracy and strict rules regulating business. It was cool to see all of the old Spanish architecture, hear all the amazing live music, and meet so many exciting and excited people. It was disheartening to see the economical effects the US' embargo has had. It seems so unfair that a huge wealthy nation that is by no means guilt-free from dirty dealings in the world would be allowed to inflict such a harsh and heavy extended blow against a small island country for so long. The reasons behind the embargo are gray, iffy, hypocritical, and politician/big business-backed and motivated, and we continue to mercilessly enforce restrictions that place a giant burden on the backs of the Cuban nation, causing extreme hurt and damage to many innocent people on that beautiful Caribbean island.

Here are some of the photos from the adventure: