Sensitive Ned and the Bathing Bandita

Another edition of my advice column for your entertainment:

Dear Sensitive Ned,

My home features a lovely in-ground swimming pool. My husband has issued an open invitation to just about everyone to use the pool anytime. While most people have enough couth to not actually take him up on his offer, one of his cousins is taking full advantage. She uses our pool at least once a week, never calling ahead to see if it's ok. I am tired of seeing her car in my driveway on evenings when I come home from work and hearing her children frolicking in my yard. I can't even use my own pool in peace.My husband does not want me to say anything because he is afraid that it will hurt his aunt and uncle and damage his relationship with them. His family has a history of holding grudges over perceived slights for years at a time. Thoughts?

Pool Owner

Dear Pool Owner,

You bet I have some thoughts. Oh ya, I’ve got some major thoughts. Here they are:

1) They say that nothing can tear a family apart faster than a pack of wild dogs. Imagine what a few wild dogs could do to just one person! Get yourself some wild dogs, lock them up in a cage in the backyard and only feed them enough to keep them alive, but damn hungry. Next time your husband’s cousin comes over, wait until she’s in the water then lock the gate to your backyard (and seal off any other possible exits, as well). Release the dogs. They’ll jump in the pool and swim straight at her like Mick Jagger’s sperm swimming towards a groupie’s uterus. If she was out of the water, she might have a chance—maybe she could get to the fence and hop it before the starving beasts reached her. But she is in the water and the dogs will most likely come at her from all sides. The only thing you’ll need to worry about is emptying the bloody pool water and refilling it with clean water. That’s a lot of water and it will cost you a little bit of dough, especially with the perma-drought we seem to be in, but that’s what you get for building a swimming pool in the desert.

Or…

2) Invite her over for a night swim. Before she gets there, drain the pool and cover the pool’s floor with Saran Wrap. The shimmer will give it the appearance of being full of water. Tell your husband’s intrusive cousin that you challenge her to a dive contest and that the winner gets the pool for keeps and that she can go first. The only rule is she has to jump head first (no cannonballs, screwdrivers, or karate kicks). If she’s about to jump, but then asks “Hey, are you sure there’s water in the pool?” then you can just respond, “Oh ya, it looks like that because of the night time, plus have you jumped yet? HURRY!” The added social pressure will force her to jump even if she’s not sure about the water. That’s been proven through countless sociological studies. How do you think I got my editor to punch that kid in the wheelchair? People just want to please people. It’s in our jeans.

If either of these ideas get you in trouble with the law, please don’t try to contact me. In fact, I’m just a figment of your imagination, your evil alter ego—like that Fight Club movie. You came up with these sick ideas all by your sick self.

Your inner-self,
Sensitive Ned

* If you are starving for advice, attention, food and water, or underage you-know-what, feel free to write to Sensitive Ned at SensitveNed@RegalSeagull.com. He reads everything anyone sends him, even stuff in other languages (he’s VERY smart). If he deems your question worthy of an answer, he’ll reply with wisdom and knowledge beyond his years (he’s 12). If not, it was probably a very stupid question.