David Archuleta Seeks Advice From Sensitive Ned

As you might know, I write an advice column for the Regal Seagull, an online news publication. This week's edition was entirely focused on David Archuleta. Archuleta actually wrote in asking me for advice on how to deal with his heartbreaking loss on American Idol.

Ask Sensitive Ned: Almost a Winner

Dear Sensitive Ned,

Where did I go wrong? How could I have failed? I’m miserable and don’t know what to do. I’m considering running away to Ogden, joining a gang, and becoming an alcoholic. Save me from myself.

David Archuleta


Dave,

You’re pathetic. You disgust me. When Art Garfunkel was fired by Paul Simon and left to fend for himself in this cold, dark world, did he give up hope? No! Well, maybe for a little while, but then about eight years ago I saw this cartoon where all the characters are little mole-looking creatures (not sure exactly what they are, but they look like moles), and they were visited by a wise, wandering troubadour that sounded just like Art, but also looked like a mole, but with an afro. Not that black people look like moles, I’m just saying he had a big round poofy hair-do. I suspect that the traveling sage was actually Art Garfunkel. He even says, “Hi, I’m Art Garfunkel,” which is one of the reasons I’m almost positive it was him. Art didn’t give up.

When Michael Bolton was mocked by millions for decades because of everything about him, did he quit? No! Why the hell not? Nobody knows. Michael, if you’re reading this, PLEASE END THE MISERY! Not yours—ours.

When most of the other Beatles died (probably poisoned by Yoko Ono, including John, but I can’t prove it), did Ringo throw in the towel? No way! He joined up with one of the greatest television shows ever made—Shining Time Station. He was The Conductor, and he helped bring beautiful songs and real toy trains with claymation faces to kids and adults across the country and parts of northern Mexico and southern Canada that were picking up US television waves. But then he was replaced by George Carlin because a judge ordered Carlin to perform one thousand hours of community service for saying the f-word to a whole kindergarten class full of Down’s syndrome kids. But Ringo never quit.

David, you listen to me. Suck it up. Wipe those tears off of your baby-face and look to the future. Life has fed you a mouth-full of New England Patriots pie, and you need to spit it out. Clean your vessel. Purge the pain and drop all that crazy talk about going to Ogden to end your life. Though you have lost the battle, you can still win this harsh war called life. Now get back on your prancing pony and ride.

I hope that got you pumped,

Sensitive Ned

* If you are starving for advice, attention, food and water, or underage you-know-what, feel free to write to Sensitive Ned at SensitveNed@RegalSeagull.com. He reads everything anyone sends him, even stuff in other languages (he’s VERY smart). If he deems your question worthy of an answer, he’ll reply with wisdom and knowledge beyond his years (he’s 12). If not, it was probably a very stupid question.