Thunder Down Under

Australia is a great place. It’s like the US in a lot of ways—they drive cars (though on the opposite side of the road), they have McDonalds (though it’s considered a lot nicer of a restaurant there than here), they cuss (though damn and hell aren’t considered bad words, whereas bugger and bloody are).

It’s also very different in a lot of ways—all the animals are weird and freaky as hell, they don’t suffer from million-mile-an-hour syndrome in every aspect of life like we do here, and almost everybody drives around with ladders on top of their cars (not really sure why). I’m not kidding about that. You go anywhere, and tons of cars and trucks (they call trucks “utes,” and don’t have huge Fords and Chevys like we do here) have ladders strapped on top of them. It’s weird, man.

I went down one summer to live with the fam, who had moved to Brisbane a couple of years previous. My folks and I, and a couple of the old step-siblings all went through a scuba certification class so we could enjoy the wonders of the Great Barrier Reef below the surface of the water.

Part of the certification process involved passing a physical examination by a doctor. I set up an appointment, got work off, and showed up to the doctor’s office ready to cover my eye and read the chart that has a huge E at the top, and a bunch of other letters trickling down below it.

Explanation: As most of you know, English is the official language of Australia. They speak it, we speak it, everyone pretty much understands each other. There are, however, a few words they use down there that the average American bloke might not be familiar with. Like bloke, for instance, which means guy. Also, tucka means food, prawn means shrimp, avo means afternoon, bite your bum means be quiet, etc.

The receptionist called my name and I went in for my check-up. The doctor went through the routine stuff—open up and say ah, sit down while I bang your knee with this hammer, you know—the usual.

Then it came. “Take off your joggers,” politely commanded the Doctor from Down Under. In my head I quickly did a guessing mental translation of what he meant by joggers. I was wearing some sweat shorts (don’t judge me), and quickly deduced that he was referring to them. I stood up and dropped my drawers, undies included, trying to act as normal as possible while knowingly and intentionally showing some old dude my Yankee parts.

The doctor just kind of sat there for a moment, not doing much. I wondered when he was going to get down to business. Then he said five words that I’ll never forget. Ever.

“I meant your tennis shoes.”